Part of what makes growing up hard is there's no defined chapter.

Now they're just surprises after surprises, showing up after every corner unexpected. Sometimes, when you're lucky, you can still see shadows or hear faint steps so you'll come (a little bit) prepared. Most of the time you don't realize that it's happening until it happened.

Living in the moment feels nice and easy. Accepting that moments have endings, and having them ended without realizing it.. that's another.

Bendera Putih

Terbiasa membuat aturan-aturan untuk diri sendiri, padahal ya gak perlu. Kalau gak ada aturan itu ya gak kenapa-kenapa, gak merugikan dan gak menguntungkan. Ujung-ujungnya? Melanggar sendiri, kecewa sendiri. Lelah dengan kebiasaan aneh ini, tapi susah sekali untuk dihilangkan.

Kebiasaan lainnya adalah tidak bisa merelakan hal-hal yang terjadi di luar kuasa diri. Menangis sampai air mata habis juga tidak akan mengubah keadaan menjadi sesuai apa yang kita inginkan. 100% sadar bahwa itu di luar kuasa, tetapi tetap saja frustasi dan mengutuk diri.

Tidak tau harus bagaimana. Rasanya seperti terjebak.

mungkin masih terlalu banyak berpikir.
entah apakah memang seharusnya dipikirkan atau tidak.


menantang diri untuk naik level,
tapi ternyata bekalnya belum cukup.


ayo mundur dulu satu langkah.
tidak apa, sekarang belum waktunya.


belajar lagi.
sabar.

the town

i've decided to leave the town that i've been dreaming to live in for as long as i could remember.

it was a hard decision. very hard, although it might seemed rushed.

the town is..... beautiful. it might not be what i've always imagined it to be, but still managed to swept me off my feet every time i go around and discover new pieces of it.

so i tried to be a part of them, the people of the town.

i was happy, but after some time, the laughs became silent cries in the middle of the night.



i planted seeds of flowers in the hope of creating a beautiful garden, being a part of this town's beauty. but they were not happy with it, despite all the time and effort i put into it.

so i tried again, harder,
just to wake up to the same unsatisfied faces.



it really drains my soul.

after nights and nights of tears, i decided to go.




felt so weak. defeated.




so now i'm lost, trying to find a new town where i truly belong.
i don't know where to go, but i definitely can't stay,






even though i really want to.

batas-batas

mereka/aku

iya/tidak

maju/mundur

diam/bicara

setiap kali selalu berbeda.

kata orang, dengarkan kata hati.

tapi, kata orang?

mencoba untuk mendengar

namun lama-lama terasa menakutkan,

karena yang dinantikan tak juga bersuara.

mungkin sudah mati?